Dear God...

With suggestions from some people to start a blog that journals my joyful times with Tori...here it is!
To start it, here is a letter I wrote a few weeks ago when I had far too many thoughts in my head to sort out, inspired by the movie, "Letters to God." I will post a lot at the beginning to make up for lost time :)

Dear God,

I have wanted to write this for some time now, but haven’t had the time to sit down and actually write. I first and foremost want to thank you for how Tori came into my life. I really think she has no idea how much she means to me and how much I love her; although she says she loves  me many times when it’s just her and me together…especially when we are having “girl talk” before bed and I am rubbing her little bald head. You know my constant prayers of thanks for her, and You know the things I have come to realize about myself and others through her. For that, I am thankful. Thank You that You are always there as a sounding board and thank You for the strength you provide me with, so I can continue to grow closer to her.

I do have to admit the closer we grow together, the harder all this gets, but the easier it all becomes. It doesn’t make sense, but then again it does. The more I grow to love her and the more time we spend together, the more I think about OUR future together. Me being the older sister to her that I always wanted, her in my wedding, us as best friends when we are older, our children growing close together, and us having a forever special bond because of the time we are sharing right now. Maybe it’s because my mom has a dear friend, whom she met when she was 19, and the little girl was only 10…but now they are wonderful friends. I see that for Tori and me, I see it so clearly. At the same time, I see the opposite. As hard as this is for me to write on paper, I see Tori leaving us and joining you in heaven. I see her hosting dance parties in heaven, while the rest of us try to repair our broken hearts, if that would even be possible. I see the legacy Tori could leave if she were to go back home sooner than we want. Both journeys are so clear, yet so unknown.

There are nights when I rest in bed with a smile on my face thinking about her and how strong she is. I praise You, and I look up to her for how amazing she has handled this awful year. I laugh at the comments she has said about the “C word,” and I close my eyes with amazement of how an eight year old little soul can touch thousands…even through a single YouTube video. I am still getting messages of how Tori's first "YouTube hit" has impacted people from all over. I share Tori’s story with everyone, not to hear how sorry they are, but to see their face light up when I explain her view on this whole situation. My favorite is when she declares she is not scared because she knows Jesus, and she knows He is always with her- no matter what happens. 

I haven’t shared a few of our conversations and memories with anyone because I like to keep some of them to myself. While I will continue to keep some things just between us, I do want to say how I so enjoy our heaven talks. They have happened three times now. I am not sure why, but she seems to bring up heaven whenever it is just the two of us. The first time was when I first slept with her. It was my first time spending the night at their house, and I remember feeling so incredibly honored that she would feel comfortable enough with me to sleep away from her mom for a night... and that Penny would feel comfortable with it. That night, one that I will always treasure, she asked what I thought about heaven. I told her I think it is going to be the most remarkable place ever. I also told her I cannot wait to meet Jesus, but that I think it’s a good idea if we both wait awhile to go meet Him! She agreed. The second time was when her friend Jillian spent the night. We went from talking about boys (although there wasn’t much to talk about with two 8 year old little girls!) to talking about heaven and Madi Douglas, Tori’s friend who lost her battle to brain cancer in 2011. Jillian said she thinks heaven is going to be “awesome,” and Tori replied with a soft “yeah.” It looked as if she were envisioning heaven at the same time. She sure did seem to have a vision that I have not yet experienced. This “heaven talk” didn’t last long because it was about 2am, and I told them I would get in trouble for letting them stay up so late!! The last talk was just a few weeks ago. I was driving her to the Diva Dash and she was by herself in the backseat staring at the sky. I looked back and asked what she was thinking about. She just said “heaven.” She said, again, how cool she thinks it’s going to be. I told her I bet she will have her own suite equipped with a huge dance floor…she loved that idea. I cannot remember the exact conversation, although I wish I could because it was heart wrenching in a different kind of way. Something came up about when she thinks she will meet Jesus. I think I asked something along the lines of “Tori, when do you think you will meet Jesus?” She said something to the extent of “Well, I don’t know. It might be next year, or it might be in a long time. But it’s okay either way.” Again, those aren’t the exact words, but it is close. I just told her I like the idea of it being in a long time. I then shared the things her and I have planned to do in the future- one of those is helping kids with cancer together when she’s older! As quickly as the conversation started, it ended and onto the next topic we went. Probably something about the much anticipated Diva Dash!

I mentioned above that it’s all getting easier in a way, and it is…kind of. It’s easier to remain optimistic now that I truly know Tori's fighting spirit. It’s easier to sincerely ask Penny, “How are you doing,” and it is easier to hear the answers. It is much easier to go to bed at night when I am with Tori now because I know I don’t have to stay up rubbing her head all night…I can stop once I hear her breathing heavily, which is usually about two minutes after kissing her goodnight! It is easier to see the bones of her spine sticking out when she changes clothes because it is “normal” to me now. It’s easier to see her sad and quiet because I now realize it’s not her; it’s her low counts. It is easier to sit there with her and not say a word because I know in those moments of silence, Your spirit is so present. Some things are just easier. Understand though, that I never said it was easy, I just said it was easier. This is not only a learning experience for Tori, it is one for everyone who meets her because to know Tori is to love her.

God, I can rest assured that Tori is no doubt your child. She has “something special” about her that no one can seem to pinpoint, other than the fact You are living in her. Todd, Penny, and Hunter are a gift from You as well. While they have had their ups and downs, tears and shouts for help, they are an unbelievable family. I thank You for them as well, SO much. I learn a tremendous amount of information and gain so much wisdom every time I spend the night with them. Listening to their family, who I call my second family, talk and seeing them interact speaks volumes about what faith can do for a family. I continue to pray that You bless them beyond measure. They have praised You throughout this storm and they continue to glorify Your name.

Here come the thoughts I don't think about too much. This whole time I have known Tori, I have believed that you will heal her precious soul, and that you will let us keep her…especially for Penny and Todd. I am not stopping now, and never will, but I do have thoughts pop up that maybe it won’t end as I want it to. I am human, and I have doubts that maybe the tumor will come back, or maybe something else is going to happen where it will be evident that you want her back- that she could do more good leaving sooner rather than later. In the midst of these mixed thoughts, I know ultimately Your plan is far better than ours. Your meaning of "complete healing" could mean two totally different things, and I find peace in knowing that You already know what Tori's future holds. 

  

I have not written all of this “just because.” I wrote it because people have told me I should keep a journal about this journey. Here I am. I thought this would be a nice way to share the thoughts of my mind and the desires of my heart with those who follow Tori’s story through me. How grateful I am that You are using me in an ever so small way to use Tori to touch others that have never even met her. Thank goodness for Facebook! People who could not care less about my life and what I am doing always seem to know what Tori is doing and they “like” or comment on things I post about her. That brings me great joy. This life You have given me is not mine, it is Yours. I continue to pray that You use it for Your glory and honor. I continue to pray that You use me in whatever way You need to. I believe You have blessed my life with Tori and her family, not their lives with me. I also believe You have blessed other people’s lives through Tori using me…I actually know so, and I thank You for the people who have admitted that to me.

We will never know the answer to “Why did you choose her for this,” but we can rest assured the answer must be pretty significant and worth while.

Amen.