The Good, Bad, and Ugly

My heart has been aching today. Yesterday (Monday), Tori and Penny came up to Atlanta for Tori's 8th round of chemo. Since I have known her, I have not missed a single round; however, I was not able to go to the hospital yesterday because I had been gone all weekend and had too much school to do with finals coming up.


I received a text from Penny last night saying Tori broke down earlier in the day and was just over this whole journey. She wanted a sock-monkey from the gift shop, and she named it WayTay. Y'all are probably thinking "what in the world!?" The sock-monkey is kind of a inside joke with Tori and me, and a baby that my mom keeps calls me WayTay. Needless to say, the name 'WayTay' has caught on quickly with those who are close to me...especially with the Capital City family. :)

                                                Tori sleeping in the hospital with "WayTay"


The bad: It is always so hard to see Tori struggle because 99% of the time she has a smile on her face and she is the one helping everyone else through this, but there are times when it all hits her at once. These are the worst memories I will have from this journey. While I haven't been around her often when she has break downs, the thought of her happy little self being so upset kills me. It is times like those where I wish I could just fly to wherever she is and squeeze her. No one deserves to go through this, especially a child like Tori. She did not choose this path, God chose her for it. She embraces it with open arms and a fighting attitude, but again, sometimes it is just too much. It's like those times in life where we go, go, go without stopping to soak it all in, and while we're fine in the middle of it all, there comes a point where we break down. There comes a point where we feel like we cannot go on any longer, but somehow, someway God gets us through it time and time again.


I am relieved to say Tori is now done with her chemo round, but unfortunately it has already taken a big toll on her frail and weak body. Penny told me this morning (Tuesday) Tori woke up so weak and pitiful. It does not surprise me at all to hear this, and I am so thankful that the chemo is just now having a negative affect on her body. While she has struggled throughout this last year with viruses, transfusions, weight loss, etc, she has made it through better than most...all thanks be to God.


The "ugliest" part of this journey is seeing and knowing all the medicine/poison that runs through Tori's body on a daily basis. The lists of medicines that Penny has to write down every time they go to the hospital is longer than the list of medicines I have taken in my whole life. It is awful to know that her kidneys are having to filter all of these high potency drugs. The side effects of chemo are endless; hair loss, constipation, fatigue, nausea, nerve problems, permanent kidney damage, pain, loss of appetite, etc. It is also nerve rattling to know that some of the chemo drugs she is on (yes, there are more than one) have a high risk of causing other types of cancer like Leukemia and Breast Cancer. Below is a picture Penny took one night of some of her medicines she takes on a daily basis, and this doesn't include the medicines she gets at the hospital through her port, nor does it include the propofol she receives every time she gets an MRI.

On a more positive note, the best part of this year is listening to the things that come out of Tori's 8-year old mouth. Some of it is mind blowing. The one that sticks out the most to me is when I was driving her somewhere (cannot remember where). I asked, "Tori, what has been the hardest part of this year for you?" I was expecting an answer right away and quite frankly, I was expecting a list of things. However, I should have known better. She thought and thought, hemmed and hawed, and couldn't really think of anything to say. I said, "what have you missed the most, or what has been your least favorite memory?" She thought some more (it took awhile to get an answer out of her), and she finally said a short "I miss being normal, and I miss my friends." I then said "Okay, that's understandable. Now this is going to be a harder question. What, if anything, has been the best part of this year?" She said with NO hesitation and NO wait "learning that God is always with me. I now know that no matter what, he is always right beside me and will help me through anything. I also am so lucky to have you." Again, I sat there speechless. What do you say to an 8 year old who seems to have more wisdom than you at times!? I just said, "I love you, Tori." She replied with an "I love you SOOO much!"


For those reading this, take it as a lesson. No matter what is going on in your life and no matter what circumstances you are facing, you have a CHOICE on how you view things. You can either sit and dwell on the negative and be a victim of your past and your current circumstances, or you can be like Tori, someone who takes what they have been given and learns the most from it. Someone who places their full trust in God and faces the problem head on. It is easier said than done, no doubt, but it all starts with the choice you have the power to make. If nothing else, make the choice to think like Tori.


-Love in Christ,
Leighton